The men in India

There is a bizarrely large number of men in India who bear a striking resemblance to Hollywood actor Michael Biehn.

Seemingly wherever you turn, Lieutenant Coffey - the psychotic Navy Seal from "The Abyss" - is staring back at you. It's quite freaky actually. Indian men like to stare, and almost without exception they have moustaches, most of them great bristling ones like the one Michael Biehn sports in James Cameron's underwater sci-fi flick. Those too young or not sufficiently hirsuit to grow a proper moustache have bum-fluff under their noses and, sadly, they are inevitably subject to ridicule from their hairier peers.

According to an Indian guide I met, one of the first things asked by a woman who is negotiating her arranged marriage is whether her potential suitor has a good moustache. If not then the deal is in serious jeopardy. The bum-fluff boys lose out bigtime.

The Indians really are funny bastards though - and not just because they all have amusing moustaches. Waiters seem to find it difficult to think creatively or laterally. You won't find "Fried egg and chips" on many menus in India for obvious reasons, but you will often find "Fried egg" and you will find "Finger chips". Order them together and they will most likely arrive separated by half an hour. This difficulty is not just restricted to western food. When I asked to have some raita with my popadom all the waiters in the restaurant gathered in the corner of the restaurant for a conference, murmuring and wobbling their heads in confusion. Decide to move to a better table between courses and all hell breaks loose.

One of the most interesting aspects of this trip has been learning about the Indian attitude to spirituality. India is a melting pot of Hindus, Sikhs, Muslims, Christians and Buddhists... as well as various weird new age faiths which take a bit of everything - and then a bit more. These are popular with westerners who are over here looking for enlightenment and want something they can easily digest. For example, rich and decadent westerners can be found at the free love ashram in Puna, which offers courses in yoga, meditation and ayurvedic massage, as well as a compulsory HIV test and big stonking orgies.

Spirituality is a way of life over here. Faith in God(s) is compulsory.

An incident which is a perfect illustration of this attitude took place when we were on the bus one day, crammed into the back row with three Indian men like sardines in a tin can. We were rather uncomfortable, mostly because there wasn't enough room, but partly because Indian men have a habit of leering at western women and frequently groping them. Neither of us knew quite what to expect from these particular Indians, we weren't sure if they were the groping type.

Vanessa was getting stuck into a book about India called "Holy Cow" which has a picture of the Hindu God Shiva on the front. The ringleader of this little backseat crew took the book from her, lifted it towards his face, did a little bow and mumbled a brief prayer. He opened his eyes, looked across at us and said, by way of explanation, "Shiva... my God". Vanessa and I nodded in understanding. He raised his eyebrows quizzically and said to me, "Jesus..?"

Having previously failed abysmally to explain to an Indian the complexities of western spirituality and our ambivalent attitude to faith, I merely nodded and said, "Yes". He then wobbled his head sagely and I responded in the same fashion.

Despite our different faiths we bonded immediately and proceeded to while away a pleasant hour or so naming sportsmen of past and present. Ah, the international religion of men! Not only did we have faith in God in common, it seemed, we also both knew who Sachin Tendulkar and Diego Maradonna were.

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Some people simply have too much time on their hands... like me, for example.